On the Craftiness of Women

As I looked around the McDonalds, everyone appeared to be supremely bored... even the employees (no real surprise there). I watched as one of the kids from the back got forced out of the kitchen to go on break. It’s a fast food thing, if they can force you out of the kitchen on a certain number of breaks at carefully selected times... they can pay you less. It may look like your boss wants you to be rested... but au contraire frater! He simply want to pay you less.

He got in line with everyone else, and I studies him as he did. He could not have been more than 16 at the most, and for whatever reason seemed to be enjoying working in fast food more than his coworkers. As he ended the queue, however, he turned his back to me, and I almost had to stifle a laugh. Not so tidily tucked beneath the collar of his work shirt was a “I Heart Boobies!” lanyard. 

Why, you ask? Because I find them absolutely hilarious! Not sufficient enough of an answer? I thought not.

Somewhere in the vicinity of a year ago, one of the people I follow on Twitter posted about how she abhorred the little bracelets and lanyards. The post referred to how the next time she saw a boy with one, she would simply greet him by punching him in the face.

My reactions to her post at the time were... mixed. I kind of just wanted to laugh at the image of this girl going up to a boy and punching him out, but at the same time, I was kind of pissed by her extremely negative reaction. Of course, all of this was at the same time covered with a dose of understanding. Women never like being objectified, and those that do usually have some sort of horrible baggage from the past.

Several months later, after my visceral reaction to her post was long past, I started wondering why my reaction had been so odd. I suppose if I were a woman I simply would have nodded sagely and given a “Here, here!” But... since I’m not... I didn’t.

I remembered back to attending Warped Tour in 2009, where I had seen a whole booth dedicated to the things. Several people come up to me asking if I would sign petitions, give donations, etc.

And then remembering all of this in context, my reaction made sense. Oh that silly girl... if only she had known the context. Suddenly, I realized why I laughed.

The “I Heart Boobies!” campaign and product fund or whatever you want to call it, is a line of products and awareness campaigns that raise money to help fight breast cancer. Of course, that’s not the line that they sell boys at punk rock shows or Hot Topic. No... boys... being boys, love the idea of sex and getting sex and whatever....

Ok... I’m rambling, but this is where the funny part comes in: the “I Heart Boobies!” campaign was started by a woman. Yes. Exactly. Let that sink in for a moment.

Shaney Jo Darden grew up in the punk and skater culture, and after being exposed to that sort of do it yourself (DIY) mentality, she decided to found her own DIY project: raising funds to help women beat breast cancer. So she founded the Keep a Breast Foundation... and not long afterwards, the “I Heart Boobies” thing started.

I can only imagine how it started, but I would beat good money that Shaney, seeing herself surrounded by a bunch of horny boys and seeing a real problem that she and other women were dealing with... decided to exploit one in order to benefit the other. Genius!

So she and her cronies started using the male sex drive almost directly to help save women’s lives. It was too perfect. I mean, I know there are some crafty women in the Bible (a hooker hiding spies for God, a women driving a tent peg through a guys skull, etc.)... but wow, this is a new one.

So ladies, the next time you see a guy walking around sporting a “I Heart Boobies!” t-shirt or bracelet, don’t get angry, don’t get pissed at how he is objectifying women. Simply point at him, and yell at the top of your voice:

“HAHA! SUCKER!!”