Thor

I have this friend. I’mma call him Thor. Why, you ask? Because I could swear that his great-great-great-great-great-great-grandpappy was a Viking. While my friend’s beard and hair are always well kept and trimmed short, do not be fooled. He is a mass of furry Viking fury waiting to be unleashed, and is completely capable of growing a full, thick strawberry tinged facemask. His beard is not the only thing that is thick and tough however.

But Thor’s Viking ways are not limited to appearances. Let me expound with the example of drinking a smoothie. Actually, what I saw him drinking the other day would be more accurately described as a cross between a pina-colata and a frapacchino. He was drinking it out of one of those cups you usually put the Icees in at the 7-11. You know, the ones with the tops that look like shrunken versions of the roof of Wembly Stadium? Also, the cup was not made out of the hard processed and pressed cardboard/plastic alloy that is near indestructible; it was the same flimsy, clear plastic as the top that topped it.

Now, on to the preferred method of drinkablility: a straw is used in this mode of drinking, no surprise. But each sip is more of a slurp and is loud and long. After each straw-full of liquid goodness taken into the mouth, there follows three satisfied smacks. Not two, not five… three.

Finally he finished with a loud: “THHHHHHHHHHHLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPP!!!!!!!! NTAP! NTAP! NTAP!”

Just like that. Now, onto the ice. First, off comes the plastic top with a loud: “THOP!” He tilts the cup back, and let’s the rabid ice cubes attack his face in mass. Thor, however, is not a greedy man, and only takes about three or so. Crunching them happily, he replaces the top with an even louder: “POP!”

Sadly, he realizes that three ice cubes was simply not enough. He must have more. He must have more now. He goes through the exact same routine about 15 more times, each time only taking about three to four cubes into his mouth. Finally, the cubes are gone. Finally the others at the table may continue their conversation.

No… I lied. Onwards to “Drinking a Drink Out of a Disposable Cup, Part 3: THE DESTRUCTON OF THE CUP!!!!!”

This is a thought out and meticulous process, exacting as much pain and suffering on the piece of plastic hardware as possible. The top is the first to go. Digging his fingers in through the open roof of the cover, Thor slowly tears away strips of the screaming translucent shelter that had once held drink safe and protected. No more! The cup shall be conquered!

Eventually the plastic top is nothing but shreds of useless nothingness. The cup is crushed like an abused top hat, and Thor is grinning from ear to ear. He is victorious!

If it had been a Styrofoam cup, he would have eaten it.