Heroes, Cinema and ADHD

There is something intoxicating about film and stories that are shown on a screen. Stories have always gripped us as humans, but there is nothing quite like seeing a story acted out in front of you. You are not merely hearing words, you are not only seeing pictures, this is not some bard singing you a tale of glorious battle; you are watching the story as if it were happening before your very eyes.

It is as if it were real. As if it were fact.

This is one of the reasons that I handle messy stuff in books far better than in film. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo as a book was gripping and a rather fun read... the movie, however, nearly traumatized me. 

Now, I’ve made it no small secret that I am a fan of Quentin Tarantino’s films. I’m not really sure which one is my personal favorite, but there is a certain energy about his movies that fascinates me. (I’ve discussed this before in my essay “Lust for Life.”)

So when his new movie, Django Unchained, came out and won rave reviews, I was eager to see it. My new fiancee, being a fan of heroic type, bloody action movies, seemed more than willing to go see it with me. So, with a free evening on our hands the day after Christmas, we decided to go see it.

One other thing that you should know in order for the following to make more sense: my fiancee has ADHD. For several years I was extremely skeptical that any such thing existed. America is overmedicated, I am sure no one will disagree with that, and I had always assumed that ADD and ADHD were just parents going crazy and not wanting to train their children properly... choosing to drug them instead. 

...I was wrong.

Until about 12, Leslie had undiagnosed ADHD, which mostly manifested itself in causing her to become overloaded with stimuli far too often. At 12, however, she had meds prescribed in order to control the rapidly firing synapses, and generally calm her down. Being an extremely bright child, my fiancee began to notice how much different she acted while on medication and how much she hated being on medication. Being the bright lass that she is, she discovered that she teach herself to control her brain and act like a normal person without the meds... thereby foregoing the need of them. So, the meds lasted for six or so, and she has self-medicated with self-control ever since... something that she tells me not all ADHD people can do.

Under good circumstances she can control how focused she is, and is generally very good at paying attention. Also, being a woman and ADHD, she is also incredibly good at multitasking (something that continues to perplex me to no end). However, when there are TVs blaring, people rushing by, horns going off and other such noise... she can become extremely distractible and it is often impossible to carry on a conversation with her. This is why watching movies at home is sometimes hard for us, because I will inevitably hone in on the movie, while she will be paying attention to everything and anything but. (Of course, because of her aforementioned ability to multitask, she usually knows exactly what is going on in the movie.)

In a movie theater, however, her ADHD works in the complete opposite direction. Because in the case of my dear fiancee, her “attention deficit” is more like “pay extremely close attention to everything that is going on around you.” And what is the only thing to pay attention to in a movie theater where everyone is behaving themselves? The screen.

In retrospect I should have known better than to take her to see a Tarantino film. Several months ago we went to see a David Koepp action flick. I personally loved it; it was perfect for an adrenaline junkie like myself. Leslie, however, nearly had a panic attack. I failed to realize that the movie, taking up all of her ADHD, overanalyzing, hyper-focused nerves, caused her to become super focused and invested whenever we went to see a movie on the big screen. So of course, anyone knowing anything about Quentin Tarantino could have guessed how she would react to the third act of one of his films.

As I write this now, however, I am actually quite grateful to her. If she hadn’t tagged along, I might have a far less critical view of what is sure to be one of the most talked about movies for the next few months. My reaction leaving the theater might have been more akin to a fanboy’s than a discerning movie goer’s had she not been holding my hand as we left the cineplex.

Now... on to my review... and as always.... spoilers to follow.

If I recall correctly, Leslie laughed harder than almost anyone at the opening scene of the film... which involved a German dentist, a tooth bobble-head, and two slave traders getting shot. Yes... this is a Tarantino movie all right. And in fact, the first 2/3rds of the movie unfolds like a hilarious, yet bloody, buddy comedy featuring Christoph Waltz and Jamie Foxx.

But then, of course, the third act kicks in, predicated by a classic scene of only dialog and no music or bullets. At this point, Leslie, having never seen a Tarantino movie before, knew that something bad was going to happen... even though no one was doing anything remotely violent. It still amazes me how Tarantino does this. I was even shaking a bit, and I wasn’t the one entering a sensory overload induced panic attack. 

A rudimentary summery of the plot might go like this: Bounty hunter buys slave, slave helps bounty hunter, bounty hunter frees slave, slaves tells bounty hunter about his missing wife, slave and bounty hunter save said wife. Simple, no? Simple enough in a way, but it is in that very last plot element where the film so drastically changes from buddy comedy into morally queasiness inducing bloodbath. 

Let me explain: for most of the movie (the parts that Leslie liked) there is this sort of warmth between Django and Dr. Schultz.... nearing a father/son relationship. There is some genuine chemistry between them, and I am sure that Leslie was hoping they would walk off into the sunset together, as was I (although she told me afterwards that given the way the movie was set up, she knew one of them was going to die).

There are three linch pins which swing the movie from comedy to tragedy, however: two conversations between Django and Schultz, and a man being eaten by dogs.

The first conversation takes place when a reluctant Django fails to shoot a wanted criminal because the man’s son is present. Schultz tells Django that in his world, the world that Django has now entered in order to rescue his wife, he must “get dirty.”

And so the morality grays a bit.

The second conversation transpires as Django and Schultz are on their way to the plantation where Broomhilda, Django’s wife, is being kept. In order to get into the plantation, Django and Schultz are passing themselves off as two slavers looking to buy a prizefighter of a man. This is all a ruse, of course, but in order for it to work, Django must pass himself off as a black slaver... the “lowest of the low” as he puts it. Schultz has instructed him several times now that when in these positions, he must NEVER break character, no matter what. And Django doesn’t.

He plays his character so well in fact, that Schultz becomes uncomfortable, and asks Django to tone it down a notch. Django simply retorts that it was Schultz himself who told Django that he needed to “get dirty.” Schultz backs off, and they proceed towards the plantation.

The morality darkens further.

The third pin is the kicker, though. As they are making their final approach to the plantation, they stumble upon a slave who has been caught running away. The plantation owner (who is escorting Django and Schultz) toys with the man, pretending to have sympathy, while at the same time threatening to do him in. Schultz, feeling sorry for the man, offers to buy the runaway slave outright in order to save him. Django, however, interrupts Schultz to tell the owner that they don’t REALLY want to buy the slave, Schultz is just tired of the owner toying with the man and wants to move on.

The owner grins maliciously and then sics the dogs on the poor man. Schultz, while hurt and disturbed, says nothing. It is at this point that Django’s transformation from a man trying to save his wife into a monster like the slave traders around him becomes complete. His “charade” has become so convincing that even he nearly believes it himself. No one’s life matters anymore, save for his wife.

This is the reason, I believe, that it is in perfect keeping with the theme of the movie that Schultz dies before the end... because he has become less violent, he has become soft and kind... and there is little room for such people in Tarantino’s films. As has been said by his long time collaborator, Samuel L Jackson, Tarantino’s films are a peek into the minds of violent people. 

So, in the end, Django is classic Tarantino. And that is why Leslie had such a negative reaction to the ending... and I must confess that I have had similar reactions.... (especially to one Doctor Horrible’s Sing Along Blog). Hyper focused, and hyper invested, she wanted Django to turn into something other than a monster, but in order to survive in the world of Tarantino, one must become a monster. 

As was said in one of the trailers before the movie: “One day, kimosabe, good man must wear mask.” Schultz, the only truly honorable character in the movie, refuses to wear a mask... and as such, he dies.

To quote another movie: “You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” 

Tarantino as explained by the Nolan brothers. You’re welcome.

Movie Review: The Descendants

Every once in a long while, you come across a movie that you simply cannot describe in terms of other films. The Descendants is one of those movies. The Descendants is like eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the crusts cut off, just like your deceased grandmother used to make for you. It is simple and homey, yet extremely melancholy. That is the Descendants in a nutshell.

(WARNING: SPOILERS TO FOLLOW)

The Descendants begins with a woman (Elizabeth) getting into a boating accident. Her husband Matt King (played by a very weary George Clooney) is one of the last direct descendants of King Kamehameha (hence the title) and is in position of one of the last virgin pieces of Hawaii real estate. The extended family is all eager for him to sell it so that they can all make millions, but King, as the sole owner of the property, is the only one with the authority to sell it. Now his wife is in a coma, and he is trying to reconnect with his rather prickly daughters, while at the same time trying to cut a deal to sell off the land.

But, as the adage goes, “when it rains it pours.” The doctors inform King that his wife has entered a vegetative state, and that she will never come out of a coma. There is nothing to do but pull the plug and say goodbye. After picking his daughter Alexandra up from a reform school so that they can all spend some time together to say goodbye to Mom, Alex informs her dad that she hated Mom because she was cheating on him.

So begins an emotional journey that in text seems like anything BUT uplifting. Yet somehow it is. Granted, it is not a movie that you watch when you want to just kick back. It is nowhere near a feel good movie. But it is still a good movie. It is a movie that you watch when you want to be reminded of certain truths in this live… similar to “It’s a Wonderful Life,” only in reverse. There we go, I suppose I finally was able to compare The Descendants to another film: it is “It’s a Wonderful Life” in reverse. Things start bad and slowly begin to get better, and Clooney builds a wonderful life out of one where he had built a foundation for failure.

He was more dedicated to his job that to his wife, he did not "have time" to spend with his daughters, he resigned himself to the fact that his daughter Alex would simply become rebellious and reckless like his wife instead of loving her and caring for her. Suddenly, he realizes that he is the only one these girls have to rely on. He is there father, and he has a duty to preform.

One of the most powerful scenes in the movie revolves around the wife of the man Elizabeth was sleeping with visiting her in the hospital. Matt is there and watches as the woman proclaims that she refuses to let Elizabeth ruin her marriage and that even though part of her doesn’t want to, she forgives her. Matt, who has until this point stubbornly refused to forgive his comatose wife, looks at the woman and asked: “Why? Why did you forgive her?”

“Because I had to,” she replies.

And that, in the end, is what The Descendants is all about: earthshattering, life-altering forgiveness. Forgiveness when it hurts, forgiveness till you bleed… because living as a vengeful, angry, bitter person is no way to live. We forgive because that is the only true way for humans to live in fellowship with one another.

Best and Worst Films of 2011

OK, so I've given you my thoughts about two of this past year's films, and I think it's time to move onto the others. So here it is, my votes for the best and worst films of 2011.

First up we have the

Biggest Disappointments:

-Harry Potter 8: After the first part of Deathly Hallows was released a year ago I was very excited. Deathly Hallows pt 1 was everything I was hoping it would be. Yates had finally captured the tone perfectly. The scene where Ron was required to destroy the one horcrux in the woods was particularly haunting. But with the last installment, I realized it just didn't pack enough punch. I mean... it wasn't BAD, but it should have been one of the best movies of the year... and it just wasn't. I will always remain a fan of the books, but I am saddened by how the last film just sort of fizzled. I guess it just goes to show that a film rarely lives up to the imagination of a piece of literature.

-Pirates 4: This was just sad. There was one good fight scene between the mermaids and Blackbeard's crew... but that was it. Other than that, it was just the same old tomfoolery that we saw in the second and third movies. I wanted this movie to have heart... but no, it didn't. Also it basically says at the end that love = mercy killing. Thanks Pirates of the Caribbean, I feel like that was a perfect metaphor. :P

-Hoodwinked 2: Two words: fart jokes. It's like taking the original movie and giving it a swirly. It defiles the very memory of the first movie, which I now have to remind myself that it was actually GOOD.

-Green Hornet: The epitome of forgettable. It wasn't really a bad movie, but neither was it good. It's one of those movies that you don't necessarily walk out of, but when it's over you begin to wonder "why did I watch that again?"

-The Three Musketeers: Similar to the Green Hornet. Not a terrible film... it was just... yeah. The script was pretty painful. At least it got better towards the end were the film basically began screaming: "I KNOW THAT I'M RIDICULOUS! SO GUESS WHAT?!?!?!? AIRSHIPS!!!!!!!!!"

-Immortals: I am a big fan the swords and sandals epic. And while this one was fun, it was less than it should have been. It wasn't as sweeping as Ben Hur, nor was it as bombastic as 300. Kind of reminds me of Revelation 3:16: "So because you are lukewarm, neither hot nor cold, I am about to spit you out of my mouth."

-Sherlock Holmes 2: I already dealt with this one the other day. Like I said, not enough heart.


Now for some of the honorable mentions

Trippiest Movie: Sucker Punch: This one got a bad-wrap, I realize that. But it was among the films that surprised me most. I mean, I knew that it wasn't going to be a great movies... and it wasn't by any means. I felt like I was on something for most of the time that I was watching it. But neither is it some sort of exploitation film that was created to belittle women. In fact, the end almost made up for the rest of the weirdness of the film. I have to give Snyder points... the man knows exactly what he's doing.

Best Documentary: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold: I really love Morgan Spurlock; not only is he a very funny fellow, but he knows how to make a fine documentary and then turn it into an event. The Greatest Movie Ever Sold is scathing and hilarious and will tell you more than you ever wanted to know about advertising, much like Spurlock did with fast food not too long ago.

Best Christmas Movie: Arthur Christmas: To be honest, this isn't really a Christmas movie. Well, it TECHNICALLY is, but it is way more than that. Christmas sort of serves as the trapping of the movie; it's fun, bubbly exterior. The real heart of the movie is a treaties on family that made me weep openly in the theater. I won't spoil it, but I loved this movie.

Honorable Mentions: X-Men First Class, Winnie the Pooh, Rango, Fast Five (These are are really good, but not quite good enough for me to go into detail about each one. Diverting and entertaining. All worth seeing once on a rainy day.)

Now.... for the list, starting at 10th favorite and working our way up:

10- Captain America: By far the best superhero movie of the year. The fact that they kept it a period piece (something which X-Men First Class neglected to do) was a plus. Chris Evans plays a fantastic all around great guy, and hence makes a perfect Captain America. As one movie critic put it: "it's patriotic without being preachy." Worth seeing even if you aren't a superhero fan.

9- Fright Night: I have not yet seen the original, even though it is sitting on my movie shelf at home. But in the wake of the long dark that is Twilight, Fright Night comes like the first rays of dawn. The fact that it was written by one of the writers of Buffy just solidifies it in the realm of fun, while sticking to classic vampire lore (they burn in sunlight, they don't sparkle, they eat people, they are not nice, they are ravenous monsters). It's just a total blast from beginning to end. Recommended for monster movie buffs.

8- Super 8: I sort of feel like I am required to like this one, as I actually know the guy who plays the lead. It's really trippy seeing the guy you used to go to Friday Morning Prayer breakfast with on the silver screen. Regardless, that is not why Super 8 is in my top 10. It's here because it is a fantastic movie. The train wreck is one of the most electric and explosive scenes I have seen at the movies all year. The cast they picked is fantastic and as the film progresses, you get to see more and more layers to each character peeled back. Spielberg definitely brought out the best in JJ Abrams in this one.

7- Drive: Talk about tone shift. My head was spinning after this movie. Bloody revenge flick, gangster movie, romance, drama, triller, car flick (duh), 80s movie??? It's ridiculous, violent, heartfelt, warm, hopeful, dangerous and filled with 80s techno. This is one of those movies you chew on. Definitely not for the faint of heart. This one is more Tarantino than Tron. So just be warned about what you are getting yourself into. Bullitt meets arthouse meets Kill Bill.

6- Mission Impossible 4: I've already discussed this one, but it bears repeating. Best globetrotting popcorn flick of the year. Explosions, tests of loyalty, cool gadgets, more explosions. Won't ruin the ending... but it's good.

5-Bridesmaids: Yes, this is number five. I am as surprised as you are. The jokes are over the top, and this is not a family film. But I was very surprised as how candid it was about the problem of free sex and how it degrades women and doesn't give them what they want at all. Parts of the movie are almost physically painful to watch, especially how Kristen Wiig's "boyfriend" treats her like some plaything that has no real emotions. That makes the appearance of Chris O'Dowd from the "IT Crowd" all that more powerful. He's an openhearted sweet guy who treats Wiig like a lady and helps her realize what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. The film boarders on falling into being a sex comedy, while at the same time beating the snot out of the genre and spitting in its face. Wiig is fantastic.

4- Kung Fu Panda 2: Best animated movie of the year. Like Arthur Christmas, this one made me cry in the theater... audibly. Jack Black has found his calling. Years from now, when people mention his name, it won't be Tropic Thunder or Nacho Libre or Tenacious D that people remember... it will be the Kung Fu Panda series. This movie blows the first one out of the water. It's not just a good animated film, it's a fantastic comedy, action flick and yes, it is even an amazing kung fu movie.

3- The Muppets: Who thought that we would ever see the Muppets in theaters again? Yet here they are. And yes, they constantly point at themselves and laugh at the how obsolete they have become and how ridiculous it is that they are forcing their way into the public consciousness again. I have reviewed this one already too, but it is just that good. It's a movie that proclaims boldly that "it's ok to be goofy and laugh a lot. In order to be relevant you don't have to be 'dark and gritty.'"

2- Rise of the Planet of the Apes: This movie was so good that I actually went back and rewatched it just a day after I watched it the first time. In fact, just talking about it makes me want to watch it again... right now. Going in I thought that the whole evolution issue might be a problem and that the film might be preachy... but it isn't. If you watch it with your kids (and don't worry, this is a totally kid friendly film aside from a few scary scenes), you may still want to have a discussion about the idea of evolution and how it has influenced modern American culture. But as I said, that comes in very little. More than anything else, Rise is just concerned about having a fantastic time. If the film is preachy about anything, it is that we ought to be careful about how we take dominion and that it does not turn into domination... I can totally get on board with that. Also: Andy Serkis is fantastic. Every scene he is in blew my mind... which was pretty much the whole movie. Worth buying and keeping next to your DVD player.

1- Attack the Block: I. LOVED. THIS. MOVIE. Yes, it's a monster movie, and yes the accents are a bit hard to understand. (If it's really all that hard, you can always turn on the subtitles.) But this movie is so much more than the sum of its parts. Now that I think about it, Attack the Block is very similar to Super 8 in a lot of ways (alien monsters, troop of kids, etc), but it is the execution that makes all the difference. Little bits like script, actor choice, cinematography and monster effects really take Attack the Block to a new level. This is one of those movies that makes you want to stand up a cheer. Worth seeing more than once.


(Random footnotes: Not going to see The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Read the book, that was enough. Have now seen Hanna and The Descendants. Both good. Might review later. Also forgot to add Trollhunter to my list of favorites. Would probably give it best non-English film. Still have not seen The Artist yet. Planning on catching it later in the next few months.)


All for now,
JSTT

Double Feature: Sherlock Holmes 2 vs. Mission Impossible 4

So, in the wake of Christmas there are many things to talk about and discuss. But I will put off my deep musings on Christmas, New Years, God and life in general for now and give you the lowdown on the latest cinematic happenings.

This December... well, movies kind of exploded all over the place. I'm not sure if it is simply that I am paying more attention to them now-a-days, or if it really is that there has been a bigger buzz about movies lately. The list of movies I have yet to see (especially in lieu of award season coming up) has expanded and takes up the better portion of a handwritten page in my notebook. There are a lot of movies that seem to be getting a lot of attention... you know, those concept films that seem like it would be good to chew on them for about a month after watching them. Sadly, I have not gotten to see any of those films yet.

I HAVE however, gotten to see two of the biggest popcorn flicks of the the 2011 Christmas season: Sherlock Holmes 2 and Mission Impossible 4. In general, they are both big budget, big crowd, big box office juggernauts that are both rather forgettable. (Insert quip about how Hollywood doesn't make good movies because no one goes to see them here). But chances are that you know that, and simply want to know which one is the BETTER forgettable action flick. Well... that's pretty simple. It's Mission Impossible.

In retrospect, it's not really that hard to see why. MI:IV is Brad Bird's (Director of Ratatouille, The Incredibles and the Iron Giant) first foray into the world of live action film making. Sherlock 2, however, is directed by Guy Richie, who at the end of the day is much better at creating bullet-time sequences than he is at telling a story. That doesn't mean that he's necessarily BAD at telling a story... it's just that he's better at making a film look cool.

To be honest, it really comes down to heart... or at least the perception that the movies has heart. Sherlock is dark, smoggy and seems to be filmed through a blue and gray filter. I suppose this fits the tone of Holmes being placed in a world in the thick of the industrial revolution, but it also gives the entire film a very chilly feeling. This, coupled with the film's lack-luster dialog writing and tiresome banter between Holmes and Watson, ends up causing the viewer to wonder if Richie really cares. Because it really seems like he doesn't. Richie, you are supposed to make me believe that WWI is going to start 30 years early if Holmes doesn't succeed. Sorry, but I don't feel the tension.

On the other side, every scene in MI:IV seems to leap off the screen and make your blood pound. Bird seems to understand that the audience wants to feel like they are on a roller coaster. He knows that we know that we are having our emotions manipulated by things that aren't really happening. But he creates a world that is full of color and life and populates it with characters who we actually care about.

Perhaps it's the fact that Sherlock is fatalistic where MI:IV believes that the world can change for the better. Sherlock 2 ends with the realization that World War will come, sooner or later... no matter what Holmes does. In MI:IV, Agent Hunt can make a difference. There doesn't have to be another world war if he is successful. We want him to win. But whatever the case may be, Sherlock Holmes 2 sputters and smokes where Mission Impossible sizzles and pops. They are both about preventing world war. They both feature massive explosions. They are both pretty forgettable........... but you'll have more bang for your buck with Ethan Hunt. Yes... I mean that literally.

Till next time,
JSTT

The Muppets vs. Hollywood

I'm sure a lot of you have noticed a trend in modern Hollywood; some of you have even mocked it with me: the philosophy that dark and gritty equals better. Of course, as an incurable optimist and a firm believer in happy endings, this just doesn't fly with me... and guess what, it doesn't fly so well with the Muppets either.

Yes, they're back. All your favorite fuzzy and fozzy friends are making with the jokes and running wild all over Hollywood. Only there seems to be one small problem: no one knows who they are anymore. And of course that is the least of their worries, as Chris Cooper (maniacal laughter, maniacal laughter) wants to drill for oil (of course he does) under the lot of Muppet Studios. The only way for the Muppets to win back their land and place in the hearts of millions is to raise 10 million dollars before the drilling starts.

Through much metahumor, a tight script and the obvious charm of Kermit, Amy Adams and Jason Segel, the Muppets steal the show (as well as Jack Black) in order to win the day. Could there have been any doubt?

But there is a larger game afoot here. Jason Segel was one of the main proponents for bringing the Muppets back and see them "again the way I remember." His love for Jim Henson's characters is unmistakeable, and the writers and filmmakers made sure to create a film that strayed as far away from modern Hollywood tendencies as possible.

In fact, at the end of the day, that is what the new Muppet movie is all about... poking Hollywood in the eye... with happiness. Chris Cooper's Mr. Richman (yes, that's his name) even uses the "dark and gritty" speech in order to convince the Muppets that they are over. He has even gathered together his own edge, cynical version of the Muppets called "the Moopets," featuring Dave Grohl as a replacement for Animal.

But in the end, not only do the Muppets win, but they win by a long shot. They fill up all of Main Street in downtown LA with cheering fans, and through this they prove something... not only to Chris Cooper, but to Hollywood and the world: cynical and dark is not better. The movie theater I was in was packed with men, women and children of all ages... cheering and laughing and clapping at the finale. The Muppets are back at just the right time, when the general public is sick of Hollywood's shenanigans.

People love to laugh and cheer and love and be loved. Hollywood cannot change that. All the false information and advertising in the world cannot change that. Yes, people may come out by the millions to see Fincher's The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo... the "feel bad movie of the year"... but as long as there is song and dance, as long as there is true love, as long as the Muppets are around, and as long as God is in His heaven... people will love happy endings.

(500) Days of Pure Evil

OK, this one has been a long time coming, so I figured I would take a break from playing Plant vs. Zombies, studying Greek and checking email in order to bring you this well thought out and coherent (ahem) essay explaining why 500 Days of Summer is a horrible, awful, no good, very bad movie. You all had better appreciate it! (insert sarcastic wink here)

Now, as a second preface, I must say that I had been looking forward to this movie for a long, long time. I think it might have even been one of those films that got me stuck in the paper mill of advertising, and I was near salivating to see it. (Wow, that's kind of a disgusting metaphor.) On top of that I am an enormous Joseph Gordon-Levitt fan, Brick and Inception being in my top 15 favorite films. So by the time it came to our little second run theater here in Moscow late summer '09, there was pretty much no way anyone was going to stop me from going.

I went alone... which in retrospect was probably for the best. I'm not sure I would be comfortable watching that movie with anyone at this point in my life. I would either be embarrassed, break down crying, try to kill everyone in the room, shield my friends' eyes, or perhaps attempt to do all four simultaneously. I am not to be held accountable for anything I do to you while watching this movie.

Now that I'm done ranting (no I'm not), I'll beginning with my logical explanation:

The movie starts with not the opening credits, but a dedication of sorts... kind of like at the beginning of a book. "For my dog Frank, who was always there for me," or "To my Dad, for keeping me honest," or something of that sort. The opening dedication for 500 Days of Summer goes a little something like this:

"Author's Note: The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Especially you Jenny Beckman... Bitch."

Hmmm... bitter much?

While watching it for the first time (to this date the only time I have been able to watch the film in its entirety. I tried again a few months later, but was unable to get further than the 30 minute mark), I promptly forgot this first warning sign and watched on... very sure that this film was describing my heart-broken life in all its bitter detail.

The film begins with the classic boy meets girl. Tom works as a greeting card writer in a fashionable part of L.A. Summer begins working there as a secretary. Tom and Summer are very different. "How?" you ask? Well, let me put this as bluntly as possible: Tom's a girl, and Summer's a dude. Yes, it's weird; no, it's not what you think. Let me explain:

Tom is a sensitive guy. Not only is he sensitive, but he's whiny, needy, "in touch" with his emotions, and is kind of pathetic. He's clingy, and obnoxious, and all the things that guys really find gross and unattractive in women. Tom is a guy technically, but he represents all the bad stereotypes of women.

Summer is a head-strong girl. Not only is she head-strong, but she's immature, cavalier, sexually obsessed, and doesn't really see the point of committing to a relationship when you could just "have fun." Summer is a girl technically, but she represents all the bad stereotypes of guys that women hate.

The movie would be bad enough if it was Tom being the sex-obsessed guy, and Summer being the whiny girl. In fact, I am pretty sure that if that movie were ever pitched to any forward thinking Hollywood production company they would reject it outright, their brains bleeding after they hemorrhaged at hearing such a horrible and stupid idea. So why, when the gender roles are reversed, is it suddenly acceptable, and not only acceptable but cool and a movie worthy of putting on film critics' "Best Movies of the Year" lists?

In the end the relationship explodes (duh) after a conversation where Summer compares them both to Sid and Nancy (if you don't know who Sid and Nancy are, click here, then come back and read the rest of my rant/essay/reviewishthingy). Tom is offended by such a comparison and retorts: "But Sid stabbed Nancy with a knife! I hardly think I'm Sid Vicious!"

"Noooooo...." Summer replies. "I'M Sid."

"Oh... so I'm Nancy," Tom says, a little dazed.

The gender flipping is explicitly referenced here. How could it be missed? Soon after, Summer tells Tom that the relationships should probably end. The sex has been good, but Summer still doesn't believe in "love." What a mature, upstanding woman.

For the last half-an-hour or so of the film, Tom follows Summer around like a pitiful puppy dog, until he at last learns that she's gotten engaged. Tom (with good reason) is incredulous. Summer talks him down though, reassuring him that he taught her what love really was... he just wasn't the right guy for her. They share a tender moment where Summer encourages Tom to pursue his dream of becoming an architect instead of a greeting card writer, and then she leaves.

The final scene is Tom waiting for an interview at an architecture firm. While waiting he meets one of the other applicants, a girl... they agree to meet for coffee. And with the final credits fast approaching, Tom calls out as she's walking away:

"What's you name?"

"Autumn!" she calls back.

To quote a friend of mine: Really? REALLY??? How am I supposed to believe, or have any kind of faith that either of them really learned anything at all? How do you know that Tom will grow a skin and not get his heart torn out by Autumn too? The name kind of implies that the cycle is just continuing. What about Summer? When the sex isn't good anymore, won't she just dump her shiny new play thing and move on to whatever is the newer, shinier thing? The sequel would probably begin with them just as broken and hallow and empty as they were when they first broke up.

The film is not about real life.... well it is, but not the right kind. It really does represent where our wonderful world is headed: Men chickening out, and women taking the lead... or becoming really screwed up versions of men as the case may be. But that is not the way that God created the world. The version of the world that 500 Days of Summer portrays is badly broken, and not something we should emulate. Not only that, but it is not something we should enjoy watching either. The first time I watched it, it simply induced a pity party of supernova proportions. Living in the suckiness of the past is a lame way to live your life, however accurately or inaccurately the film might portray past events of your life. Get out of yourself. No... life is not all about you. There is more to this life than sex and getting instant gratification, or simply getting, getting, getting from a relationship. Where's the give? Where is the givING for that matter?

I have fallen into the self-pity trap more times than I can count. There is no getting around that. But instead of that hurting my ethos, I hope strengthens my exhortation to the small number of readers that I have: I've been there. I've done that. Don't fall into the horrible, horrible stereotypes of this film. Read your Bible... there are some pretty good stereotypes to live up to in there.

All that said... I may still go to work for a greeting card company someday.